My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
