I puked a lego.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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