So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
We need to rekindle our bromance
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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