We named our party play list daddy issues
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
