I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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