i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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