Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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