I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
