When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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