He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
