well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize