Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
