i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
They have beer where we have blood.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
