You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
