Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
