It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
