you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
