You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
