And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
