You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
