I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
