Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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