what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The struggles of a small town man whore
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
