Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
