I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
