Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
