It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Randomize
