oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Randomize
