I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
