fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
