just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He keeps bees of course he's weird
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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