Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Randomize
