I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
