he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
