How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
