so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
