I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize