FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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