I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
not ubering you a puppy
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
