...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize