Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize