They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
