she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
