I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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