i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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