The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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