I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
