You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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