I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
