Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
