Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
