Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
