I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
