I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize