Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
