I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
No stitches, just platelets and will power
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
