Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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