I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
