My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
